Skeletons In The Closet
by moshpitqueen
Summary: As told by me, Peter Pettigrew. Come join me as we sneak a peek on the lives and lies of the Death Eaters.


Author's Note**: Poking fun at the Death Eaters is a twisted hobby of mine.  
This has been the first I've written in a while, but I hope you like it.**

I have a weird sense of humor, so please bear with me. :D  
Enjoy!

* * *

Some things are better left unknown.

Or are they?

In Malfoy Manor where schemes are formed and weaklings meet their demise, there's also something else: the clandestine lives and lies of the dreaded Death Eaters. Be forewarned, Muggle, things are not as they seem, and this is proof.

**Skeleton No. 1  
_Macnair's Dump Truck Worthy Feet_**

Now I know why he always wore those Chanel boots he fancied so much. But I had the unfortunate chance to be near him when he took them off and I caught a whiff that was a cross between a decaying corpse and boiled brussel sprouts. Oh, I was never the same again.

**Skeleton No. 2  
_The Beauty Secrets of Bellatrix Lestrange_**

I had first thought she was using gruesome concoctions to maintain her face (although her hair needs some attention as well) but I found out the truth when I snooped around in her room for some Cristal: Olay. Shelves and shelves of Olay. And here I thought she was against Muggle products when she blew up Nott's plasma TV last week.

**Skeleton No. 3  
_Lucius' Secret Life_**

It wasn't a sordid affair with Molly Weasley, as many of the Death Eaters were predicting, which would piss off Narcissa, anyway. No, he, despite of being rich, had _two _jobs: being a wealthy jackass, and a sous-chef for Olive Gardens. How's that for flexible?

**Skeleton No. 4  
_Alecto's Police Record_**

She had a wild night once; after going to a bar somewhere in London, she stole a car and rammed it straight into a tree. She came home with a DUI under her belt and the title of "the next Lindsay Lohan." Whoever that is.

**Skeleton No. 5  
_The Other Career_**

I overheard Barty Jr. confess that he didn't want to be a Death Eater, originally. He had yearned to be a part of some boy band whose name I forgot. Could you tell me, what is a boy band, Muggle? Would they be a threat to us Death Eaters?

**Skeleton No. 6  
_Letters To Old Mum Fairbottoms_**

Or as he is more known: Antonin Dolohov. It is a very obsecure section of the _The Daily Prophet_ that serves as an advice column for witches about their lovelife. Kinky one, that Dolohov. He always knew how to get through the ladies. I suppose we should have been more suspicious enough when we noticed Dolohov was the only one of us getting tons of mail. Robe catalog, my ass.

**Skeleton No. 7  
_The Unknown Son_**

Apparently, Rookwood was more promiscuous than he implied. One day, a boy came on the Manor's doorstep, insisting to see "Daddy Augustus" at once. He was sent away, of course, but I could've sworn Rookwood cried when the boy left.

**Skeleton No. 8  
_The Collection_**

It wasn't me who snooped this time. Rosier found a secret room in the Manor filled with every _Witch Weekly _issue ever printed from top to bottom. Who they belong to, I'm not sure. But I have my suspicions.

**Skeleton No. 9  
_The Death Eater Escapades_**

The Dark Lord insists on these sessions whenever there was a lull around. Once, we TP-ed Dumbledore's house with pink toilet paper. I had been curious about the color of choice, but the Dark Lord simply shushed me. He knows something we don't, I'm sure. Another time, we rented a karaoke machine of some sort, and quickly discovered that Lucius' singing is like a buzz saw. Why Narcissa married him, I have no idea.

**Skeleton No. 10  
_Severus' Hidden Talents_**

He can whip up a perfect Long Island Iced Tea, I can tell you that. I suppose his mixing talents aren't just limited in the Potions classroom, eh?

* * *

This has been me, Peter Pettigrew, on the expose of my comrades and the secrets they keep. I hope that your mind has been cleared somehow. We are not as what you thought.

Who knows, maybe I'll dig up on my Dark Master next.

* * *

**Thanks for reading, and comments and feedbacks are very much appreciated. (:**

If you liked this, I'll possibly do something on Voldy next, 'coz I love him so very much. Haha. 


End file.
